The seasons' they're a-changin'

Have you missed us? We've missed you! But here we are, subscribers, back again with more juicy tales of the sordid streets of the town we call home. As summer drops into fall with no noticable change in weather we've been spending our time checking out Halloween stores (we love Halloween). This month we have for you a lovely Fashion supplement and our brand-spanking new Incidents section for those Happenings downtown that happen to involve our favorite things, Berkeley Street Society members versus Berkeley citizens. We leave you to your repast.

Breaking news!
"You know, there are a lot of smug-ass hippies in this town."

Sightings!
Omar Perro was on hand to welcome some tourists to our fair city. Greeting them in his generous manner by striding toward them with his arms wide open, his pungent aroma wafting free, 40oz in hand, he proclaimed loudly "Ladies! Ladies!" The ladies, understandably, tried to avoid him and when it was discovered that he would not be shook they began to remonstrate with him, waving their cellphones at him like holy crosses, insisting they would call the police. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" yelled Omar Perro drunkenly stumbling towards them as the ladies screamed,"Get away! You're scaring me! I'm gonna call the police!"
To lessen his overwhelming impact on downtown Berkeley Omar Perro has also taken to visiting the Tenderloin in San Francisco where he was sighted wandering down Market Street yelling "Hello there!" to passer-by.

Ring Man attempted entry of a downtown business insisting he needed a ring. When refused, he became obnoxious, accusing the proprietors of being "fuckin' bitches" and "Germans."

Dreadful apparently felt an urgent need upon him and went to visit one of his various spots. With the trash can on the corner in sight, he began to unzip his pants while still crossing the street. A woman in a glittering BMW spotted the action and assumed some nastiness to her car or person was about to occur and began yelling from the car window, "uh uhh motherfucker! Oh helllll no!" As Dreadful stumbled past her to urinate on the sidewalk she drove away in relief.

Eat My Pussy lady was spotted in the subway in Oakland but came to our attention when she decided to stroll in the Square and sit herself down next to a gentleman of obvious wealth. Oblivious to his Gucci loafers or his absorbed gaze at his Blackberry she began to speak of her favorite subject: pussies. "Bitch you don't wash your pussy! You don't clean your pussy right! Bitch I can smell it! Wash your pussy!" It was unclear if she was speaking to anyone directly but the gentleman's reaction was to freeze (as though this would spare him hearing the verbal onslaught). While he did not move to leave he did sport a look of absolute terror.

The Schizo has taken to believing she is invisible. This means she stands in the shadows of objects, some of them smaller than her. Next to postcard racks, recycling bins, or trash cans, the Schizo slides from shadow to shadow, sure she is the stealthiest of ninja.

Incidents
Witnessed by our beloved bs correspondents, a Berkeley Street Society member was loitering in a java dispensing establishment downtown. When asked if she wanted to order she knocked over the barista's stack of cups and screamed, "I'm not a customer you fuckin' faggot!"

A gentleman of BSS sat in his wheelchair in front of a downtown bookstore. Sighting a bookstore patron he attempted to pop a wheelie, nearly running over the patron's foot. Unimpressed, the patron saved their appendage and began to walk away, shooting a look at the wheelchair bum who sneered at her.

A woman unknown to our correspondents appeared on a downtown street and began screaming racial profanities targeted at people walking past. A group of twenty-somethings, being informed by the woman that they were "niggers", stopped and began to take issue with her. By the time a large crowd formed to watch the entertainment Manimal had appeared to witness and add her faux British uninformed opinions. Words were exchanged at length with no obvious effect on either side and finally losing patience the swain of one of the accosted ladies used his skateboard to end the argument. A scream like no other ever heard before downtown undulated at length with great depth and variations of pitch. By the time the lady had settled down to yelling profanity at store windows again the constables had arrived, accompanied by members of the local Bug-Fuck Crazy Aid Society/ Voluntary Vagrant Charm school wielding their clipboards and walkie-talkies to no effect whatsoever. The correspondent noted that she resembled the "Eat my Twat" lady closely but was not the same person.

Spotted in a planter downtown, a young gentleman with a pit bull mix was hiding in the foilage, rapidly scuttling about on his knees, insisting to the dog that they "had to stay quiet otherwise they were going to get them." It was assumed that the gentleman was under the influence of psychotropic drugs at the time.

A Berkeley Street Society member was found passed out in the doorway of a downtown business in his own river of pee. When informed he would have to move, the gentleman declined. When verbally attacked again with reinforcements the newly-dubbed Pee River Bum staggered into the next doorway down, only to pass out again. A member of the constabulary showed up to look at the copious amount of urine and the bum, only to return to their car and drive away. We applaud their efforts.

A young gentleman stood on a downtown street while in the throws of an epic battle raging within his mind that he felt the need to verbally narrate for the general public. The "Dragon Boy," as dubbed by our correspondent on the scene, proceeded to salivate foam and spit as he warned passer-by about the dragons coming from other dimensions. Passionately serious about his subject, he walked back and forth for a great deal of time in his zeal to warn as many people as possible.

Strange spirits erupted from ketchup bottles in a downtown restaurant. Unexplicably three ketchup bottles exploded over patrons seeking a bit of tomato goodness on their fries. When answers were sought none could be offered, leading people to blame the supernatural again.

While visiting a fellow retail lackey, a bs corrspondent witnessed a man in a wheelchair come in and ask the counter person for nipple pasties. Frustrated by his lack of boob and inability to twirl them like Elvira, he left without purchasing a pair.

Fashion!
IT's that time again! The seasons are changing and bums need to change their wardrobe to keep up with fashion. Don't be caught wearing only last year's jeans found on the street. Vintage is in and you'll be shamed in you're seen in nothing more than jeans twenty years old, artfully torn in the butt and covered in filth in the no-no places. No bum should be without the two neccessary items, the Superman t-shirt, especially beloved of can-collectors everywhere and the glamourous dyed glass ring, worn and recommended by Ring Man and others. Why only yesterday an odiferous example of BSS manhood stopped by to show us his stylin' Care Bear sleeping bag and to reesstablish his supply of bum rings by buying a couple.

Ms. Poopie Pants is our featured fashionista of the BSS set. We've seen her sporting a number of snappy outfits but two stand out. In Oakland by Lake Merritt she featured a stunning pair of dirty sweatpants artfully wetted in the most suggestive spots. And while crossing the street in Berkeley she wore a bedraggled blue skirt with a feminine hint of lace at the edge, probably on a date with a good poop in a corner.

Observed:
A member of the Bug-Fuck Crazy Aid Society/Voluntary Vagrant Charm School was observed acting in a strange manner alike the people she was ostesibly supposed to assist. It was suggested that perhaps she was taking an aid to stay alert as her pupils were considerably diliated and there was noticible jaw-griding going on.

Overheard exchange:
"Goddamn, you KNOW me by now!"
"Ya meanie! Ya meanie!"

We have no idea what that exchange meant either but it was hilarious at the time and we had to share it with you. To you our beloved courageous subscribers we wish you good luck. Thank you and good night.