Welcome Yule

Welcome to our special holiday edition of the Street Society Newsletter! Here we are hurtling towards the end of the year, full of spirits, shivering to death in our cold cold workspaces/homes/doorways...
Congratulations to Berkeley for passing the Public Commons for Everyone Iniative. This steps up arrests of our friendly street sleepers in time for winter! Yay full prisons! Yay tickets for people with no money! Yay $350 a month for businesses downtown willing to allow the public into their bathrooms! Does the corner of our storefront count?
Also, we would like applaud former mayoral candidate and resident tree-sitter Zachary Running-Wolf for his well thought out campaign to recall Mayor Tom Bates. After making the round of the local morning tv shows espousing his position he has embarked on a brilliant guerilla movement in Berkeley: the chalking of Recall Bates on every corner of Telegraph and some important intersections in other parks of Berkeley. We're sure that this and constant reapplication after rainstorms will help win the hearts and minds of the Berkeley citizens for his cause.

From People's Park we bring you BREAKING NEWS:
"Your knees will hit the pavement when I tell you to fuck me!"

We regret to inform the members of Berkeley Street Society that one of our society has passed on to the saintly sidewalks in the sky (for do not pennies fall from heaven? It can be reasoned that the larger change awaits above.)The gentleman known as Keep On Smiling (often sighted outside the local dollar establishment selling the esteemed publication Street Spirit) has left us. In his memory we say to all our readers Keep On Smiling
Rest in Peace.

And now, a little tale of Christmas whimsy, we would like to call:
MS PRUNE THINKS SHE'S GONNA BUY A PURSE
Out on the street one December day, when sitting and having her morning grumble and fifteenth virgina slim in front of the local coffee establishment, it occurred to Ms Prune that she was of a mind to look for a new bag. A bag, she thought, must be colorful, for to catch the eye when she grimaces up to someone to ask for change. So she set out on a quest for a bright bag. She came to a store with many bags in the window that she was familiar with having gone in and browsed the bag selection before. But she considered that perhaps today was the day that she would bring one special bag out with her. So she walked in and breathed her "henh, henh" heavily whilst perusing the bags, lifting them and stroking them and considering which one was the best for her while the sales clerk looked at her dubiously. Many times she asked how much a specific bag was, until finally, she decided... today was not her day. And she tottered off to her corner to beg more change from people in the holiday spirit. God Bless Us everyone!

In the spirit of the holidays, let's get to closer to our fellow man - It's:
UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL WITH SCAB McMUFFIN
The other day while watching Scab or Scabbie darling as we call him endearingly meander by in the middle of the traffic whizzing by, egg mcmuffin in hand, I had a breakthrough. Well, actually, I noticed Scabbie had a breakthrough. I think his brain was showing. For, unless we forget, Scab is named for the massive crusty crater visible from a distance of 200 feet. And that day on the street there was no exception, Scab was there, his scab was prominent, glistening and grisly, oozing amounts of grostesque bodily fluid, pulsating with a nervous energy as Scab stepped to the curb to quickly shove the rest of his Mcmuffin in his mouth before his daily dig through the trash can. The side of face was freshly ripped open exposing something pink and wrinkly, suggestive of brain matter. Up close, one notices that Scab is covered with little pustules and flakes of dead skin, and, of course, one can never stop wondering, just what the hell is wrong with him, that he rips his healing face open on a weekly basis?!

After winning the staff holiday pool we present a jolly editorial from one our bs correspondents:
WHY DO ALL OUR CUSTOMERS REEK OF BOOZE AND CIGARETTES?!
Hi, I work in downtown Berkeley on Shattuck and I have to ask, does most of the population that live downtown live above bars or in bars!? If I have to help one more scuzzy guy in a crappy leather jacket that stinks of a billion cigarettes without filters smoked to the ends, with the breath of five King Cobras, I will start working in a gas mask. Or put up a sign "Attention booze hounds, BATHE!" You know, those women who smell of a thousand types of exotic fruits so strongly you think you're going to choke on guava/citrus/passionfruit...well meet their opposite the men who walk around like pigpen from peanuts surrounded by a cloud of toxic cancer mist and the stench of cheap liquor oozing from their pores. Just stop it people! Stop polluting the public air with your vices, be it poison or perfume! Save us from strong scents this Christmas, please!

For Christmas we like to enjoy a feeling of family and community. It's time to look around and get to know the people in your neighborhood and so we introduce:
PORTRAITS OF PANHANDLERS
- When you turn the corner of University onto Shattuck in the evening when night has fallen, in the shadows lurks a skinny white man with a cap in a windbreaker who will accost you in a rapid monotone: "spare a quarter for the BART?" After research we have found that he never varies his spiel and is a jerk that has never been seen in the BART station.
- On Shattuck between Center and Addison you will run into a man with a baseball cap sitting cross-legged on the ground. He is well-known to us, bumming cigarettes off of people when he can't get change. Seeing you in the distance he will make eye contact and smile cheerfully, eternally hopeful, and say "Spare any change?" Despite the number of times you have walked past and never given him change he remains eternally hopeful, always there with a smile, ready to ask you again, rocking on his butt. But you know, YOU KNOW NOW, he lives in a residence hotel the next block.
-If you have the misfortune to be on the block of Shattuck between Center and Allston you will run into a tall, uncomfortably over-polite black man standing exactly between Jupiter and Walgreens who will smile gently and say, "Excuse me, can you possibly spare any change today?" You will smile back or ignore him and he will say after you "God bless you and have a nice day now." After seeing you repeatedly he will banter with you (despite, again, the fact you have never given him change) "How are you doing today? My day got better now that I've seen you! God bless you and have a nice day now." SOOOO creepy!
- Drinky Bill, he of the bulbous nose and lack of brain, stands on the block of Shattuck between Allston and Kittridge in the shadow of an abandoned storefront between the luggage store and the E.Z. Stop. Muttering indistinctly "spare a few pennies?" he hides his bottle in the paper bag in the corner behind him.
That's four blocks in a row of running the change gauntlet on Shattuck and that's not including others who will grace these very pages in a future issue.

Have you missed Manimal? Well, you've been good this year so we bring you:
EYE-WITNESS!
Our correspondent on the scene was enjoying a quiet stroll back from her local coffee establishment when she noticed the Queen of Cal accosting someone for one of her chats. Suddenly a passer-by shouldered her from behind, Queenie's braids notably flying asquew from the impact, as he walked past. But he continued onward, making no sign of recognization or apology. Queen of Cal, never one to let a slight pass, whipped around and yelled, "Hey, you don't do that! You need to apologize!" To which, the passer-by stopped, turned around, spread his arms defiantly and said quite loudly, "There's no loitering, BITCH!!" Which this correspondent thought was hilarious because that is how Manimal and Queen of Cal frequently roust people on that block, by accusing them of loitering. At that remark, Queen of Cal's lips pursed in fury, and while making sounds of extreme anger she pulled out her cell, presumably having the police on speed dial. Yelling loudly for Manimal over her shoulder she pointed at the passer-by saying, "you just wait! I'm calling the police! You ain't going nowhere!" A loud snorting sound signified that indeed Manimal was arriving and the passer-by, knowing he was in trouble, ducked into one of many poison $1 chinese food places littering Shattuck. Next the correspondent knew the two women(?) had run into the Chinese place to attempt to extricate the passer-by and a whole lot of screaming and yelling was going on. By the time the correspondent was able to return to the scene she found that the local constabulary was hosting one of their informal tea party socials on the block with no less that a police captain to be the host. A great deal of witness testimony of needed, the passer-by, still convinced of his innocence, was extracted from the Chinese place and the Queen of Cal and Manimal looked most gratified to be shamefully the center of attention again.

Based on real life events this December we have composed:
HOLIDAY POETRY CORNER
Twas the fight before Christmas...
And through the place
Some chicas were yelling
Get out of my face
It began quite simply
In the round table that day
The students crowded in for lunch
No suggestion of a fray
Voices were raised
And this was not new
Often they hazed
Each other in queue
Yet louder the screams
Female in sound
A space had cleared
Two girls went round
Before you knew it
Knifes came out
Two girls slashed
In fierce bout
Grabbing each
The hair of the other
With one hand stabbed
Whilst yelling fucker
The fuzz were called
But was too late
Blood was running
Off pizza plates.

A word to the public:
JOY TO THE WORLD OR JEALOUS ARE THE PARKERS
Can't we all just get along?
A lot of people seem to be having trouble getting into the holiday spirit. A parking space should not become a life or death experience! Ladies and gentlemen should not engage in verbal battle until blood is spilled. But we have seen this month a number of parking rage incidents this month. C'mon on people, all of Shattuck is metered anyway!
Witnessed by two of correspondents was an incidents regarding two women. It all began when a large entitled lady stole a space from a little troll woman with full beard and moustache. The troll in her broken down jalopy was attempting, crudely, to parallel park when a posh SUV swooped down and gracefully stole the space, forcing the jalopy to rethink its plan and park further down the street. When both vehicles had disgorged their drivers, the troll screamed down the street that the lady was "a bitch" for stealing her parking spot. To which the lady, ready to battle, yelled back,"You call me a bitch? You're lucky I don't kick your fat white ass you ugly bitch! I saw your registration's expired, you're lucky if I don't call the police!"
To which the troll rejoindered "Go ahead and call the police!" even while she scuttled away, immediately beginning a defensive retreat backwards into her vehicle. As the entitled lady whipped out her very new cell phone the troll quickly drove away.
Another parking fracas involved a large pickup truck and a lady in a sedan. The pickup was waiting for another car to leave, but as soon as the space opened up, a sedan quickly stopped and backed into the space before the truck had a chance. The gentleman jumped from his cab screaming in a high effeminent squeaky voice, "You bitch! You fuckin asshole! You don't do that! You don't steal a space someone's waiting for!" To which the woman getting out of her sedan looked at him blankly. Continuing to scream high-pitched epithets at her as walked away on her executrix pumps two men passing by told him to shut up and be a man and deal with it. Insult to injury there.

Yo yo my street peeps we got the dish on the latest fashion trends! You want the tightest gear, we got:
STYLE
Dr Bombay sports a new trendy turquoise trenchcoat with pimplicious brown fur trim. He accents his macho posturing with a purple scarf and his familiar putrid stench of dirty catbox. Jiving to the latest beats on his boom box, he wheels his cart with the polished rims.
Dreadful, currently staggering about in a demure houndtooth men's jacket with leather patches on the elbows has made a daring statement by wearing only one shoe.
We also must salute nipples, the greatest accent to the winter season, seen on any young lady or gentleman shuffling down the sidewalk in their too thin tunic tee, followed by shivering, the greatest accent of the season, for how else would the plebian public know you were stylishly underdressed for the weather if you weren't obviously dying of hypothermia because of it?!

SIGHTINGS
Pumpkin Lady, long thought to have disappeared, was sighted passed out in San Francisco on some grass near the Ferry Building.

Eat My Pussy lady has been sighted many times downtown, panhandling from a milk crate that she carries around with her, grumbling and swearing, until, finished for the evening she releases a full barrage of profanity screaming to high heaven, clearing the streets before her.

A Street Society member unknown to this correspondent stood frozen in the middle of the sidewalk on a busy Saturday night. At least he appeared frozen but actually he was moving in slow motion until he suddenly would yell "Fuck" in a sudden flurry of motion before freezing again.

A can collector who works with her husband and is often sighted downtown with her dog stood outside a known cha-bra establishment of billiards and screamed at a pack of man-hos that they had kicked her beloved dog Ebony, despite all their fascious replies to the contrary. Yelling that they were wrong, they had done wrong and they just wait until her husband came back she followed them down the street.

Smile Guy, beamish ball of joy, denizen of bouncy ball warehouses of dream, had his heart crushed by the callous words of a retail employee he was hounding. After offering blurry pictures of streetside flowers to her he insisted he was not leaving until he made her happy. The employee asserted that she had the power to create her own happiness, in fact that happiness comes from within and that she found him really irritating. Deflating, Smile Guy attempted to bring up bouncy balls, his passion, but his hopes were dismissed mercilessly.

Omar Perro dropped by downtown Berkeley to share his gracious presence. About to advance into a business where he was unwelcome the cashier reminded him that by entering the business he was infringing on the "agreement". Strangely, this took Omar Perro aback, "You're right," he said. "I have violated the terms of the agreement!" Profusely apologizing (I'M sorry, I'M so sorry) he backed away and left without further comment. The cashier was widely applauded as a genius.

We are informed by one of our many bs correspondents that Ms Prune asked at the Halloween Store, during Halloween, for a job. It was suggested that perhaps she would be great atmosphere for a place specializing in scary props. Imagine finding her a corner wrapped in her orange apron snarling and hissing at you "Get away from me!" shaking her little fists defiantly before her.

Ring Man needs rings! With fists full of wadded ones he enters downtown businesses begging to buy a gaudy jeweled ring, however he has become unwelcome because of past encounters with his craziness and is not allowed.

A Street Society member known to us for his love of shamrock stickers, henceforth known as "Shamrock Guy," walked into a local retail shop for his stickers and deposited a gallon of melted mocha fudge ice cream on the counter. They were not amused.

Happy New Year beloved subscribers! Here's to the hope that one day the events in these pages will seem like a very bad dream. Peace.