In which we identify a number of threats to Berkeley's quality of life

We have lately been blessed with a number of days during which Berkeley's weather has been warm, if not decidedly hot. It is during these hot days that, wherever you walk on the streets, an aroma that is normally merely an undercurrent comes full force to your attention. For the faint of heart I warn you, I speak of the pervasive stench of aged dried pools of urine! It is everywhere, on every block, in every other front yard, especially in every recess and corner of downtown streets. Those hoping to use the payphone, beware, for the stench is there as well. No rain can manage to erase the rivers of yellow that the innocent sidewalks have absorbed for years, perhaps decades, and so on any beautiful day Berkeley will be forever associated with strong odor of ammonia.

We bs correspondents are happy to inform our readers that the Cowboy was reunited with his dog this week to great joy and improved mental health. It is also with mixed feelings we must share that Manimal has returned but has renounced her mantle of crime-fighter, feeling that such enforcement is better left to the constables. We miss you Manimal.

For those of our readers who enjoy the tales of those who wander the streets of Berkeley, forever searching, we are happy to bring you another installment of:
IN SEARCH OF A BATHROOM, pt 3
A woman and her teenage daughter entered the store and were looking around at the merchandise. They wandered into the back of the store and frankly did not gain my attention, being in general quiet and well-behaved customers. Suddenly, the mother ran up to the front counter and asked, "Do you have a bathroom?"
To which we employees looked at each other for we have to clean our own bathroom and so are very particular who gets to use our facilities. As we hesitated, the teenage daughter had come up from the back of the store and, without any preamble, spectacularly upchucked all over the card rack. It was extremely watery and drippy and formed large pools of slime everywhere. we turned to the mother and said, "why didn't you say it was an emergency?!" There is very little hesitation on our part when our carpet is at stake. She merely apologized and horrified, whisked her daughter from the store before we could say more.

Why are there so many SMELLY CLAUSES?
Berkeley has too many fat smelly disgusting horrible white men. They all look and smell alike! With their filthy white beards and problematic habit of trying to pick up college age women these men are a threat to Berkeley as we know it! There are so many of them that we bs correspondents had to develop a numbering system. Smelly Claus #3 came to our attention recently when he entered a store, threw his jacket on the floor and proceeded to throw merchandise on the floor. When asked to pick up his jacket, he replied he had no jacket. Ultimately he was kicked out of the store for making a mess and being a general psycho. He left his jacket so it was also thrown out of the store.
Later that day he returned in a new blue jacket insisting he had to buy something. After making a minor purchase he walked out to a double parked car and proceeded, irregardless of the driver, to attempt to shove his receipt through the car window seam. What will make the constabulary realize that Smelly Clauses are a threat.

Breaking news -
Without his sideburns, he'd be nothing!

It's been a busy week for the local constabulary and so we have for you:
Sightings-
Our favorite lady, Need for Speed, was apparently a little too full of mullet-activated aggression after being released from custody for the umpteenth time. That afternoon the constables took her in again, treating us all to a verbal work of ear-searing rage.

Dreadful, known for his tremendous dreads, was spotted wandering and moaning down the street bringing a welcome end to his muttering phase.

A BSS member known as the Laugher was spotted twice doing what he is known for. To apparently trigger his laughter he must throw down his blanket anywhere on a public street downtown, throw himself on it, and then he catnaps and wakes himself up by laughing hysterically for no obvious reason.

Smile guy, he of the squeaky voice and happy go lucky temperament, has been awarded honorary BSS member by us bs correspondents after he rebuked us for not smiling for the thousandth time. You may have seen him humming his way down the street on several occasions.

Dr. Bombay has added to his current wardrobe some Morris dancing bells at his ankles. Which we appreciate the warning (we now can hear him from two blocks off, versus the one block when the wind was blowing his stench in our direction)he does create a rather comical appearance with his ridiculously over sized new sneakers, ankle bells, pimp cane, layers of clothing, and three hats included the carefully balanced baby blue New York Yankees ball cap.

the Schizo made several appearances this week, the best of which was the one in which she entered a store, bought two different single sheets of stationary and then stapled them together with the receipt several times.

A gentleman has been brought to our attention by the employees of a local store. They claim this man comes in every other week and proceeds to try out all of the party horns, not content with buying a pack or soiling merely one with his saliva. After careful selection, which can last upwards of five minutes of tweedling, he purchases his new treasured possession.