Beware the mutterers!

Berkeley Street Society members struck back this week by unleashing their legions of mutterers in an effort to remind downtown why they are Berkeley's most treasured mobile landmarks. No business was safe, no passerby unaware of the presence of Berkely Street Society. Feel the power of solidarity!

Breaking news
Goddam this draft dodger war!

We bs correspondents were saddened this week not only by the continued absence of Manimal, but also by the tragedy of the Cowboy. The Cowboy and his dog are a constant presence downtown and are remarkable if only because they never panhandle, are really polite and keep mostly to themselves. This week the local constabulary decided to take the Cowboy's dog away and in her absence the Cowboy is noticably falling apart. Here's hoping the Cowboy will get his dog back. He really misses her and shame on the Berkeley constables for parting them.

We introduce a new Berkeley program sure to keep the streets full for decades. Bring your teenager to Berkeley for the BSS in training program! We witnessed a teen in training to be the next Evil Old Lady. We're positive she'll be perfect as we saw her rip into a gentle old woman by screaming "Bitch, you fuckin' bitch, Bitch." After watching her proceed to cover all uses of bitch (she currently has a limited vocabulary but we're sure that BSS can improve that) over half an hour we've determined her employability is nil and that we'll see her on the street soon.

Ever witness the devolution of a mutterer into an outright psycho? We bring you
EYE-WITNESS

Accompanying a friend to a burger joint renowned for its dollar menu, our eating of filth was disturbed by the buttocks of a muttering BSS member. Ignoring his proximity to another person he proceeded to unintelligibly read signs out loud. The muttering finally having its unsettling effect on us, we decided to adjourn to another table. Disturbingly he followed us, only a moment distracted by the tempting remains in a trash can, and sat down at a table next to us. Obviously hungry he began scavenging the remaining wrappers of earlier diners. In a effort to protect his food he was actively staring down anyone in the area who happened to look at him. An unfortunate student was asked if he could spare a sandwich proving that the mutterer had a full grasp of human language. Unable to participate in this any longer we left to go to the bar two doors down.
Having comfortably settled into our first drink we were appalled when the same BSS member saw us through the window and proceeded to enter the establishment. Casually sitting down at a table near us he looked over a menu and politely chatted with the waitress. We, however, were petrified with horror, sure he was pretending to play normal, but when would he crack? We didn't have to wait long, moments after the waitress stepped away he began rambling, "so you I'm crazy,huh,huh,crazy?You think I'm crazy, crazy crazy?" At this point we figured our evening out was at an end and asked for our tab. The BSS member gulped his drink like a dog in front of kibble and asked to start a tab. Astoundingly he produced a credit card when requested. After the waitress retreated with his card his attention was caught by a pack cha-bras (aka frat boy jocks) discussing in glowing terms the qualities of Irish women. No other word but swoop describes the way he invaded their table, miraculously appearing in their midst agreeing "Irish girls, yeah, irish girls." Cha-bras, deciding he was an unwelcome hallucination, completely ignored him. Taking a note from their book, the BSS member whipped out a cell phone, not bothering to dial, and began talking into it, while still at the other table. Speaking loudly, "Oh Jim, Jim, I'm at the bar! Yeah, yeah man, you should come down man, yeah yeah." At this point, unable to bear the insanity of it all in the face of social conventions, we reentered the night in hopes of disappearring from his presence forever.

Sightings -
Dr Bombay in all his pungency appears to insist on wearing every purchase he has ever made. The latest additions, some stunning turquoise blue fishnets and a blinking necklace. It is wondered by one of our correspondents whether he is planning a private stinky rave of his own.

A local BSS lady renowned for her ability to latch onto a person and pick them apart with her horredendous and terrible language, known as Evil Old Lady, was sighted pushing her granny cart down the street between sips of a bagged drink. She too, in a sign of solidarity, was muttering.

A BSS member was witnessed entering a store and began to stare at the wall. He did this for three minutes, not reacting to any enquiries before suddenly leaving again.

A BSS member known as Dreadful chose a doorway to begin his own muttering piece lasting a half an hour.

Ring Man was seen many times, most spectacularly on a street corner wearing pants on his head while turning circles in place.

Miss Poopy Pants was seen roaming the streets rapping to herself "that was nasty, that was nasty." It is hard to see how she could judge what is nasty, seeing her justified nickname.

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Wanted - whatever you're reading. Wait is that a bible? Oh it's a magazine. Could I read it? No? Why not? Why are you telling me to leave?