Human or animal,a guide to the shit of Berkeley

To start our week off properly two members of the local temperance league and voluntary vagrant charm school dropped by to lecture us on the evils that cause bedlam in our street society. After taking prodigious notes from our experiences and sharing their literature and message, they went off to campaign up on Telegraph, god save them.

A fascinating phenomenon is occurring as we speak on the streets of Berkeley, one I suggest everyone view, the Bum Roundabout! As a result of new city policies regarding loitering, members of the Berkeley Street Society have taken to circulating in a frequent if irregular pattern through Berkeley. This policy helps freshen the local performances and regulars in your neighborhood by ensuring that a constant parade of new faces will be greeting you. Please take the time to greet these new additions, as they are not always in the best of spirits (even when full of them) and we're sure you'll be rewarded for your effort.

Breaking news:
Everyone in Berkeley has chips in their heads that communicate with space!

Sightings:
- A gentleman known to us as Chainsaw Asshole was spotted at the downtown Farmer's Market sharing his latest spoken word piece, this one regarding equine genitalia and female canines, focusing his performance at elderly women accumulating their weekly stock of peaches and rhubarb.
- Recently released, a woman we are tentatively referring to as Need for Speed proceeded to hector a fellow companion with colorful phrases until she was visited by members of the constabulary. Realizing that her companion has disappeared, Need for Speed began a stunning performance of verbal wordplay with some residents of the area.

Public interest:
The former Eddie Bauer is presenting a very familiar odor this week for the pleasure of all Berkeley residents. Please walk by during the hours when sun hits directly for the full experience. We're sure the effect has been the contribution of members of Berkeley Street Society.

For the pleasure of our subscribers, this week we include an informative essay by one of our esteemed bs correspondents about a subject often found stuck to the bottom of our shoes, may I present:

HUMAN or ANIMAL, A GUIDE to the SHIT of BERKELEY

It has happened to all of us. You're walking to work and it's a beautiful day. The sun is shining, the weather is sweet,then suddenly out of nowhere a putrid smell emerges... Behold!! A ginormous pile of shit!! Judging by the long skid marks left behind on the sidewalk you're not the only unfortunate soul that has encountered this poorly placed excrement. You resist the urge to vomit and hurry on your way, your day fucked up beyond repair. If you live and/or work in Berkeley, this is practically a everyday occurrence. All you out there know what the fuck I'm talking about.
Anyways, here are some basic steps you can follow to determine the origins of the pile. If the shit is human, it will usually be close to a building or wall. More than likely there will be no evidence of toilet paper or other wiping material. Sidewalk shitters rarely care about wiping their ass. If the pile in question came from a dog or other animal, it will usually be in the center of the sidewalk with blatant disregard for passing pedestrians. Simple huh? Please use this knowledge however you see fit. Oh yeah, if you determine that the pile is in fact human, there is a 75% chance that it came from the ass of an infamous local known as Ms.Poopie Pants (especially in the vicinity of Shattuck).
Public viewings are available anytime anywhere downtown.

Next week, join us for more on this subject and the history of creative solutions to the lack of public bathroom facilities downtown, including a stunning eyewitness account.

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Spring is in the air, volume 5, issue 24 (unless we're making this up)

This week the local constabulary has decided to confront the vagrants that gather to give our lonely pocket change new purpose. Does this bode ill for the future of our beloved street society?
Sightings:
- the Schizo (also known as the Price Check lady) charmed passerby by alternately sunning herself and scowling in front of Starbucks. It should be noted that she was wearing her stylish knitted cap.
- Since of the removal of anti-bush items from the window of a certain store, Viva Bush has moved on to greener pastures, to share his conservative message with the weak minded elsewhere.
- the Pumpkin Lady was seen in the companionship of an unnamed gentlemen across from Downtown restaurant. Could there be love in the air?

Near miss:
Omar Perro happily dodged a turning car in a crosswalk causing a bicyclist, who was also delayed by this passage, to yell, "we haven't got all day Omar!" Omar Perro then offered to high five the bicyclist.

Observed:
Seen practicing her newest experimental vocal piece, a local artist walked the streets suddenly emitting high pitched screams and moans for an hour for the pleasure of the lunch crowd.

Style section:
If you are still waiting for the hot item of the Spring Street fashion season, then wait no longer! Big gaudy colorful rings for men are IN this season with every bum scrambling to shove one over his swollen gloved knuckle! Doesn't matter how many, doesn't matter if you haven't bathed since the last rain, you must accessorize now! And brightly colored wigs are a new trend for those who are just a bit compulsive or under the influence of some eye dilating accessory to your body chemistry. Short or long, perhaps it's time to find the color right for you!

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Moved:
Miss Poopie Pants (well known for her perfection in the arts of public urination and defecation) has left her winter residence, now a gated community - to retreat to her summer abode, spending her days on the sunny benches of the Circle.

A new arrival:
Please extend our friendly greetings to a new potent member of Berkeley Street Society - you many have seen him around town embellished by a stylish wig and several glamorous rings.

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