Human or animal,a guide to the shit of Berkeley

To start our week off properly two members of the local temperance league and voluntary vagrant charm school dropped by to lecture us on the evils that cause bedlam in our street society. After taking prodigious notes from our experiences and sharing their literature and message, they went off to campaign up on Telegraph, god save them.

A fascinating phenomenon is occurring as we speak on the streets of Berkeley, one I suggest everyone view, the Bum Roundabout! As a result of new city policies regarding loitering, members of the Berkeley Street Society have taken to circulating in a frequent if irregular pattern through Berkeley. This policy helps freshen the local performances and regulars in your neighborhood by ensuring that a constant parade of new faces will be greeting you. Please take the time to greet these new additions, as they are not always in the best of spirits (even when full of them) and we're sure you'll be rewarded for your effort.

Breaking news:
Everyone in Berkeley has chips in their heads that communicate with space!

Sightings:
- A gentleman known to us as Chainsaw Asshole was spotted at the downtown Farmer's Market sharing his latest spoken word piece, this one regarding equine genitalia and female canines, focusing his performance at elderly women accumulating their weekly stock of peaches and rhubarb.
- Recently released, a woman we are tentatively referring to as Need for Speed proceeded to hector a fellow companion with colorful phrases until she was visited by members of the constabulary. Realizing that her companion has disappeared, Need for Speed began a stunning performance of verbal wordplay with some residents of the area.

Public interest:
The former Eddie Bauer is presenting a very familiar odor this week for the pleasure of all Berkeley residents. Please walk by during the hours when sun hits directly for the full experience. We're sure the effect has been the contribution of members of Berkeley Street Society.

For the pleasure of our subscribers, this week we include an informative essay by one of our esteemed bs correspondents about a subject often found stuck to the bottom of our shoes, may I present:

HUMAN or ANIMAL, A GUIDE to the SHIT of BERKELEY

It has happened to all of us. You're walking to work and it's a beautiful day. The sun is shining, the weather is sweet,then suddenly out of nowhere a putrid smell emerges... Behold!! A ginormous pile of shit!! Judging by the long skid marks left behind on the sidewalk you're not the only unfortunate soul that has encountered this poorly placed excrement. You resist the urge to vomit and hurry on your way, your day fucked up beyond repair. If you live and/or work in Berkeley, this is practically a everyday occurrence. All you out there know what the fuck I'm talking about.
Anyways, here are some basic steps you can follow to determine the origins of the pile. If the shit is human, it will usually be close to a building or wall. More than likely there will be no evidence of toilet paper or other wiping material. Sidewalk shitters rarely care about wiping their ass. If the pile in question came from a dog or other animal, it will usually be in the center of the sidewalk with blatant disregard for passing pedestrians. Simple huh? Please use this knowledge however you see fit. Oh yeah, if you determine that the pile is in fact human, there is a 75% chance that it came from the ass of an infamous local known as Ms.Poopie Pants (especially in the vicinity of Shattuck).
Public viewings are available anytime anywhere downtown.

Next week, join us for more on this subject and the history of creative solutions to the lack of public bathroom facilities downtown, including a stunning eyewitness account.

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