Humanity and shit

Oh, the humanity featured on our pages, our beloved bread and butter of oddities, the Berkeley Street Society we are all members of. The stage of Berkeley is set and we are all players in constant search for plot and reason. Which brings us to our popular returning column this week, IN SEARCH OF A BATHROOM, pt 2, more tales from the Ross dressing room! Read on faithful subscriber!

It's been quiet since everyone joined together for hide and seek on April Fool's. The bum roundabout is still in effect and everyday a new face on a new block. We of the Berkeley Street Society column worry what will happen to Berkeley when all the people who make Berkeley great, those with vicious aggressive animals, those who shout and accost the meek guarding their change, and those who leave little brown presents(even though it's little late for Easter)are pushed into moving on. But we're not here to pontificate or editorialize. We can't solve Berkeley's problems anymore than we can remember to take the trash out twice a week! So, onto the things in the life we can deal with, that are familiar, the shit, so to speak.

Shit Spotting:
Hoping to mail a letter? Watch where you step as there is a choice pile sitting directly in front of one of the astromech droid decorated boxes. Drenched by the morning deluge, a fecal river was winding its way down the sidewalk, ready for unobservant feet. Observed later that day, it had metamorphosed, alike a line of coke, into a long shitty line carefully tapered at the ends. We applaud the unknown
artist's hand that reconfigured the worst aspect of Berkeley into such gentle work.

Breaking news:
Nothing is funnier than wiener dogs in sweaters!

What to do when even the Starbucks downtown doesn't offer a public restroom? You hear stories like these, compiled from the memories of our favorite bs correspondent, it's:
IN SEARCH OF A BATHROOM, part 2
It was a quiet morning, my co-worker and I were chatting, blah-blah, when running towards us at full speed was a frantic woman! Her face was definitely contorted in such a way to suggest that she was about to start crying. "A bathroom! I need a bathroom!" she wailed. "God help me!"
My co-worker and I were floored. We didn't know what to do, and reading our facial expressions a wave of despair crossed her face.She spun on her heel and started running. Like it was only yesterday, I recall the way her heel lifted and something just flew out of the bottom of her pants leg landing with an audible plop. A carcass smell was suddenly noticeable as the woman quickly made her way back through the store, a long trail of unspeakable filth in her wake. "Oh my God!" My co-worker screamed and pointed. "She's shitting! She's shitting! She's shitting!"
I could only assume she had eaten at one of the poisoned take-out restaurants on Shattuck.

Our latest piece of carefully crafted true crime, reported by admiring bs correspondents who were, by luck, on the scene. We bring you:

MANIMAL's VENDETTA!

Impoverished people who stop on the street for longer than five seconds automatically become the target of: the MANIMAL!!
Lunging from its dark lair, MANIMAL confidently stalks her prey. Her latest victim, a small crazed woman, known as the "Eat My Twat" lady for her cries when being entangled with the local constabulary, was quietly reading a newspaper in the sun while drinking her coffee. Alas she was within the range of MANIMAL, by reading on the newspaper bin itself, and so was a prime target for removal, a favorite task of our self-appointed security chief.
"You need to be moving along now, you can't be loitering here," Manimal informed her. Like a viper striking from its nest, EMT lady turned and directly unleashed a case verbal whoop-ass in her direction. Her face was so close to her aggressor that we're assured she could feel Manimal's mustache bristling her face.EMT lady didn't hesitate to inform her opponent of how ugly was and how she did seem exceedingly masculine. Manimal became infuriated, her face flushed with hatred and passionate anger, as nothing so rouses her ire as being told her appearance is that of a man's (assuming, of course, that she is a woman, thus her moniker, MANIMAL). Bellowing with rage, Manimal retreated, taking the stairs two at a time, in her eagerness to inform the constabulary of this latest affront.

Approximately six hours later, EMT lady reappeared on the street, obviously not fazed by her earlier altercation. Discussing McDonald's food in glowing terms with a unknown crackhead, when suddenly the conversation turned hostile. "Take your hands off me!" she proclaimed. "Don't ever touch me like that again!" One would assume it was the crackhead who was the assailant, but no, it was the return of MANIMAL! This was confirmed by the derogatory comments of EMT lady who repeated her requests to be left alone, between shouts of "you're ugly and you have a penis!" This second assault to Manimal's androgyny enraged her, causing her to yell for a phone to call the constables. In the confusion, EMT lady quietly walked off for dinner at McDonald's, allowing Manimal's authority to remain unquestioned once more.

Sighting:
A Berkeley Street Society member was heard loudly complaining that someone was shooting rubber bands at him from an upper story window. Constables investigated and interrogated the suspect.

Dr. Bombay, a bit more pungent of cat box odor than usual,was spotted perusing a gaudy ring selection downtown. He was later seen wearing ridiculously oversized green Nike sneakers, delicately applied pink and purple blush and no less than three gaudy rings that carefully accented his attire. There was also a large wet stain on the front of his pants that we leave up to the reader's imagination.

Want ads:

Wanted: an alarm system that prevents people who are under the age of 18 from entering. Even better, one that prevents people from walking in while talking on their cell phone. pls reply 242

Looking for change. Gimme a quarter. Maybe a dime? I know you got a nickel. Pennies? Pennies is shit! I don't got no time for pennies! What? No change! Fuck you, no change! I mean it, fuck you!